Death & Dreams
Hey everybody, welcome back.
I am always grateful when you tune in and listen, but I am especially grateful today. If you're here listening to this, it means that you have been incredibly loyal and even more patient. The podcast has been on hold since February. I can't believe it's been that long. It's now July and it's, it's been a whirlwind. And so instead of just randomly dropping episodes, which are coming, I thought I would come on here and just let you know.
not only what I've been up to, just what I've been going through. So today's episode is called, what is it called?
Kim Rapach (03:11.822)
So today's episode is titled Death and Dreams. So the past year has been incredibly challenging and there's been a lot of death in the literal sense but also in the metaphorical sense, is that the right word? So in May of 2024,
My mom, had been living with us for about four years, no, who had been living with us for five years due to health conditions, had to move into assisted living. Fortunately, she was six minutes around the corner and it was a wonderful, wonderful community. In June of last year, I entered menopause.
In June of last year, I entered menopause, endured an ankle injury that I'm still dealing with today, and came down with some kind of sinus issue that I thought were allergies, but come to find out was just menopause induced.
And so last summer I was in the house most of the summer. If you look back at podcasts from last year, you will see that my eyes are really puffy. I looked or sounded like I was sick much of the time. Fortunately this year that's better. But then throughout the year, my mom's health started really taking a turn and really failing. And so...
through the holidays, December, January, things took a sharp, sharp turn and really went downhill for her. And my mom passed away just last month, June 3rd. But leading up to that, there were many, many, many hospitalizations. There were a few falls and there was just a decline in her ability to, you know, just maintain everyday living. And so on...
Kim Rapach (05:24.046)
What day was that?
Kim Rapach (05:33.272)
me.
Kim Rapach (06:01.548)
Due to all the medical issues and hospitalization, she had a ton of medical appointments. And on May...
Kim Rapach (06:18.094)
On May 26th, she let me know that she was done fighting for her health and that she was ready to go into hospice. I took her to two more doctor's appointments where she wanted to go and give them an update and say goodbye. And then that following Thursday, which would have been May 29th, she entered into inpatient hospice and she died five days later on June 3rd.
So everything has been a bit of a whirlwind.
Kim Rapach (06:58.026)
So that just in addition to everyday life, coaching, running my own business, being married, having a child, running a house, you know, all the things, it's been a lot. And so when things would shift and I would find that I had too much on my plate because I'm so protective of my mental health, when I did have too much on my plate, I would look at what can go.
It can't be certain relationships and it can't be my job and it can't be my work or my income. And so it was always the podcast. And so with that, I just want to say thank you for being patient. Thank you for sticking around and thank you for re-engaging. I'm really, really glad that you're here.
Kim Rapach (07:56.6)
So I've told you about my mom's passing, but I want to talk about what this death has brought to light for me. So I believe that everything that happens to us is actually happening for us. And it is a catalyst to take us to the next level of our highest self. And it's a catalyst to take us to our next level of self-awareness, evolution, to our highest selves.
Kim Rapach (08:33.12)
And two things that have been really profound since my mom's passing are one, I realized, well, actually I'll say three, three things. One, her passing was way harder than I anticipated. And I did this 10 years ago when my dad passed too. I thought that because I knew it was coming, somehow it wouldn't be as hard. And.
My mom had taken care of so many details and logistics that I thought everything was taken care of and we had had all the hard conversations and we had really done a good job. Well, it was still really hard and it is still very hard. And so I learned that it was harder than I thought it could be. And it just reminded me that you can't prepare for the grief of significant loss.
The second thing, which has been a real catalyst for me, is I realized that I was still much more enmeshed with my mom than I had realized. Her and I had had a tricky relationship throughout my life, even in the past five years, and it was complex, to say the least. And what I realized, and I had spent, I had spent a lot of time working on
detaching from her, separating ourselves from each other. And that required a lot of self care on my part, as well as boundaries. And so that was always a theme in our relationship. And what I realized when she passed is, wow, I was still pretty enmeshed with her and I was her only child. And so I was taking care of everything and still taking care of a lot, even though she was living in assisted living.
And so that was a little bit of a surprise to me when I was able to step back and look. And then the third thing is that I realized, holy smokes, my mom isn't the only person I was overly attuned to. I don't know about it meshed, but definitely still struggling with codependency. And when she passed, I felt like part of my ego had died. Like, okay, no more over...
Kim Rapach (10:56.158)
serving people no more overly concerned with people who maybe aren't concerned with themselves, maybe aren't concerned with me.
And I'm really starting to see where, even though I've been working on this for, my gosh, it feels like 10 years, there's just another layer. And so I'm grateful for it, but it is something that I am working on still. And so that brings about changes in relationships and friendships and my marriage and my business. And so I'm still...
I feel like kind of cocooning, coming out of my cocoon to figure out who I really am and what I want my life to look like. And so that's been really significant. I've been doing a lot of writing. I'm working on a memoir and I've been doing a lot of journaling and creative journaling. I'm going to be bringing back.
Kim Rapach (11:53.398)
And really just focusing on my daily non-negotiables, taking care of myself, honoring the grief as it comes, stopping when I need to to attend to my weary heart. Today, in fact, was a harder day than others. I just felt...
very tender. Last night I had gone and played bingo at the assisted living facility where my mom lived and I went and played with all of her friends and my mom didn't want a service and so this was the best I could do was to just give them, you know, I guess to serve as an extension of my mom for them and their healing process. So that was very special. And then
tomorrow I'm going to a concert with a friend, a childhood friend. My mom, back in March or April, had purchased VIP tickets to Winona Judd, one of our favorites. We were huge fans of the Judds growing up and she bought us VIP tickets and we had been planning outfits and headphones and you know, how we're gonna keep her. I had arranged ADA services for her so she could take a wheelchair.
And sadly, she didn't make it to the concert. And sadly, she, since she...
Kim Rapach (13:22.134)
And so my friend is going to join me in my mom's honor. So I think just being sandwiched in between those two days, today my heart was really tender. But I thought, what a better day to pop on here and kind of reintroduce myself and reintroduce the podcast when I'm feeling more raw than I typically do. So the other thing that I wanted to address is dreams.
I had a dream the other night and I've processed this with my coach and it was a dream about being at a party like an everyday party. But one of the guests of honor was Billie Eilish and in the dream she was talking about needing maybe some help and was processing something and I knew that I could help her. But in trying to tell her what I do.
And in trying to introduce myself, I ensued a bunch of chaos. I couldn't find my purse and then things were falling out of my purse. I was scrambling to find my business cards and by the time I got back to give her one, she was gone. And so what my coach and I figured out is that I am still struggling. I know that I belong in the entertainment industry. I know that I belong here. That's there's no doubt. And I know hands down, I'm very good at what I do.
but where I'm still struggling is explaining what I do, how I do it, and really just who I am. So I just wanted to take a moment to say hi. My name is Kim and I am a mental wellness coach in the entertainment industry. I am a former therapist. I am an Enneagram certified coach. I'm a certified Enneagram coach and I work primarily with executives and artists in the entertainment industry.
Kim Rapach (15:14.734)
So what does that mean? How do I do that? What do I coach? How do I coach? So I use a person's combined with understanding their enneagram, which is their personality patterns, with a trauma-informed lens to help them regulate their nervous system. What does that mean? That's probably like clear as mud, right? So what I do is I'm able to look at someone's
personality through the lens of the Enneagram. So for example, if you're an Enneagram too, I know before I even meet you that you are in the heart center of intelligence, that your emotions are strong, that you carry and hold a lot of other people's emotions, and that you may struggle with boundaries and you overextend yourself to help everyone else and that you struggle with feeling like you have to take care of everyone else or serve everyone else.
in order to feel loved.
Now when I'm working with a client, say I'm working with that client who's an Enneagram 2, I curtail my... No, not curtail. I curate my language and my approach according to what speaks to them the best.
and then I teach them about their personality and at the same time tie it back to their lived experiences. So when I mention a trauma-informed lens, all that means is that I am looking for how your lived experiences are still alive and active in your nervous system, shaping how you think, how you feel, and how you behave in the world.
Kim Rapach (16:57.792)
So when I work with clients, teach them that connection. It's like putting puzzle pieces together for them in ways where they've been, especially in Enneagram too, has been walking through the world, feeling a lot of shame. my mom was at Enneagram too, by the way. Feeling a lot of shame and, you know, serving and helping and caretaking over and over and over and never feeling like they're enough. And so I helped them put those puzzle pieces together.
all while also teaching them things like the window of tolerance and teaching them how to regulate their nervous system activities from shaking to journaling to dancing to grounding to playing to creating a million different things depending on that person. And so what my clients learn how to do is they learn what their body is telling them. They learn the themes in their story that are driving
the bus, which may somebody else may call, which we may also call an ego. We may call our inner child or our parts if you understand internal family systems. And so, but all along they're learning to pay attention to their own nervous system. They're learning where they're at, and then they're learning tools on how to shape that. And so what that does is it just brings a solid, it just creates a solid foundation.
for emotional regulation and ultimately emotional freedom. And what's the result of that? Boundaries, language, truth telling, creativity, courage, and I guess the biggest word that comes to me is freedom.
So again, I just wanted to come on here and say hi. I wanted to make sure I said thank you. I wanted to tell you where I've been and what's been up with me and what's been going on with me. And I wanted to reintroduce myself. So the podcast is coming back with weekly episodes.
Kim Rapach (19:05.452)
and you'll be hearing more from me individually as well, which I'm really excited about. And if there is something that you want to hear more about, in regards to mental health, the Enneagram, story work, I love ideas and suggestions and would be happy to make that happen.
In the coming months, you will see, if you follow me on Instagram, you will see I am going to be hosting different intensives. I have a new master class out. It's called Welcome Back Warrior. And I'm going to be reintroducing some creative journaling for people who know that they want a little bit of support but maybe aren't ready for the deep dive and maybe more of a low risk, low lift, if you will.
And so that'll be coming back. I'm going to be hosting a retreat. And so there's lots of things going on, but as far as the podcast, I would love it if you would subscribe and comment on what you want to hear more of, what you liked, even what you didn't. I can handle those conversations too. And then share for the ones that you like. That would mean the world to me and subscribe so that you get the notice when new episodes drop. So thanks again for being here and I look forward to seeing you online.
